tricks for survival, how to use neighbors and relatives, who should clean the house when the mother is breast feeding, because sometimes “he” does not understand. How to do to get by when all of them give you tips on how to be a perfect mother while you do not know where to put hands, but you prefer to be wrong alone. The “maternity blues” that sadness that sometimes replaces the sense of power of the mother.
once called the “the crying of milk“. Today it has the name of a music that was slow, sweet and sad, that evokes the cry of the soul: “the blues after childbirth” or “babyblues“. Così, Donald Winnicott, pediatrician and psicoanlista English, had defined this mild state of depression, and the unaccountable melancholy, which affects about 80% of the women on the fifth day after birth, suggesting of feelings of joyful of having generated a child, other, less clear, more confused and indecipherable.
A normal reaction of the mother to the first of the great physical distance, the sudden break of the link of the symbiotic, argue many people, in a mournful melancholy that sinks its roots in the lack of the “child of night“, the child of the moon, dreamed of during the pregnancy or even before, from the girls.
With the advent on the scene of the child “real”, here, then, is that this sort of silent, physiological, withdrawal in themselves, assume other values, as reflexive, and the mothers look happy on their capacity to nurture the newborn: a great unknown.
Becauseé today, often, you will become mothers without ever having seen a newborn baby, in contrast to a time when it was by mothers, aunts, now and siblings, in the context of the extended family, that you learned a “can-do” feminine, reassuring, which took away the much-vaunted “maternal instinct” that aura of today’s mysticism in favour of a conception where the “nature” was the follow-up and deferred to a “culture” shared the expertise of her mother.
Chat with a new baby, and passion to his extraordinary visions of life, becomes così difficult, and it is really curious that in a cultural context like ours, which in theory enhances the maternityà, condemning abortion, contraception and referendums, in practice, maternityà the marginalized, cutting in contemporary monetary funds to the Nests, Services, and Social Security.
of Course they are not the “doors pink” of the municipality of Milan, or the one thousand euros awarded by the Government for the second son, to relieve the sense of loneliness, almost physical, or frettolosità, or anonymity, in which they are living, many mothers of today, consequently scared by the involvement of “two” with the child; a bond that can be felt as excessive, as something that absorbs so much from annegarci inside.
In this sense, the hurry to “take off the robe”, to quickly resume the work without the presence of social skills in the safe, how to report statistics, they also represent an escape from isolation and loneliness. The flourish and multiply on the market of specialised magazines, “I and the miobambino”, “Mom and Boy”, “Together”, “Early days”, “the First months”, and così away, and a myriad of books and popular, to look good, give reason for the vision uncertain, paralyzing and lonely that accompanies the new mother when, out of size and out of place, returns home with her newborn. The inevitable irritations, the moments of fatigue and impatience of the one part, greedy claims and protests angrily from the other mark the stages of the daily struggle that is the other side of the coin in the idyllic mother-child relationship.
Enough to understand that a mother’s love (understood to be that of the advertising; Barilla or water Sangemini) is not enough, and that the song of the Zanicchi “Mother of everything” is a fudge.
Under the dictatorship of the clock, to the limit of the forces, for their part, mothers-smile, in reality they feel themselves to be chopped as dishes. And run, the moms, the first tears without giving the child time to live in the waiting.
it is true, are in a hurry to decode the crying and bizza, becauseé in an hour you have to do the bath to the baby and prepare dinner.
And know that they go wrong becauseé protecting it over and over, steal from scion and creative experience to slip, maybe, in the meantime, a finger in the mouth.
Them pamper you, therefore, have also resorted to feeding uninterrupted, giving them the feeling that only in the continuous relationship and fusivo with the mother there is the possibilityà to feel good. , And then è true. The crying of the little fellow is intolerable. the live It as a reproach; other times they have their own fear, they feel unable to restrain the fury irosa.
let’s just Say that in front of that’object baby, totally dependent on their care, the mothers feel crushed by the weight of the responsibilityà, written down by solitude, a prey to a tangle of feelings, in a “accelerate” the contemporary is not dà truce perché the children, instead, know that the world is everything for them, and you adjust accordingly!
the Moms, at the end, exhausted, not having fun più, and entertain the child as a little emperor by offering activitiesà, changes and excitements, and incapable of putting limits; and for this the kids, make note of the sociologists, they become merciless and tyrannical by exploding of anger also the più motherly of mothers. Feelings are difficult to decode, ambivalence which does not bind to the a¹idealization of maternal love that causes many mothers the inabilityà to accept the moments of fatigue, of irritation, of irritation, and sometimes anger and aggressività in relation to a child, without feeling guilty.
“There are people who are being affected when they discover that a newborn baby does not arouse in them only feelings d¹love” stated Winnicott. Instead, it is important to know that even the aggressività è a component of the maternal love, always.
In the end, Hansel and Gretel or tom Thumb had a mother who did not hesitate to expose their children to the fairs of the woods, without taking off for sure, “the bread of the mouth”, as he would like the tradition.
And also the mother of little Red riding Hood: let go with ease her little girl in a forest infested by wolves! And how many strege, mages, orc women, mothers or sisters, are lì to report the archetypes of a mother’s poor dyspeptic and envious, doubling, however, essential to the primitive maternal image in the sweet mother of heaven, on the one hand and to the wicked mother of the earth, on the other.
the Anger and resentment resided in così in the mind of the maternal, the one that, in principle, and comfortà – we are accustomed to consider good, available, and concerned solely with the welfare of their children. Yet, Freud had first opened the way for the conception of the ambivalence, affective, understood in the sense of an effect parallel the feelings of love and hatred.
The mother, then, as for loving, is a natural consequence that who unconsciously hates più the child and the one that has more reasons to hate him, “enslaved“and “vampirizzata ‘com’è by his incessant demands, in an exhausting full-time service, an absolute dedication, and apparently without a counterpart.
Without prudery and sentimentality Winnicott, him, the theorist of the mother normally devout and good enough, he had thought that it was the first mother to hate her child, long before these give way to their ostilità.
And this human feeling motherly recognized eighteen very valid reasons.
Want to admit that the child, different than pictured, not the door, the stork, and that to be born has fried his body and threatened his life?
we Want to think of that treats it as a maid with no salary, that she is forced to love him, and poop included, while he, the ingrate, the nibbles rabid the swollen breasts of milk, calls for its continued presence after the spring like you do with a lemon?
Also, nothing of the mother remains inviolate, not c’è a space, physical or mental, that the son may not make “iron and fire”, understanding the secrets. Without considering that cheating on you with the nanny, makes faces at his dad, skip, and ignorerà until the old age of his tremendous sacrifices, and in più the collection becauseé the growing turns away from his loving power, and becauseé he does not può tolerate her hate, and she must do everything to control it and repress it, without succumbing to the desire to hurt him.
The mother is grossly used, concluded Winnicott, his reservoir of energy found, forced and emptied with the stubborn regularityà from the children that go their way and complain. Not c’è pietà, not a thank you explicitly the ways of the midst are excluded, becauseé the main task of the small child is to survive.
And, therefore, the children will continue to be a nuisance. the Forò a solution, the socratic Winnicott had identified in the fact that the mothers need to “tell”, “share” their tribulations, while they are living.
“A word at the appropriate time does justice to all the grievances, he wrote, I am convinced, to put it in practical terms, it is useful to touch with the hand to the mothers of their grievances, the più bitter”. Share the job of the mother to lift the blanket of solitude allows the mother the same, not più idealized, “to hate her child, never make them pay” (Winnicott).
contact us for advice, put in common by anonymous, the thorns of the maternityà to render them harmless and enjoy it on the più possible.
Manuela Trinci – Thanks to the kind permission of the author.
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- After the birth, at home with the child.
10 June 2012